Don't we all know?

Oh, trust me, they done fucked up real good. That fucking Saddam is now
a martyr, and many more lives, not only US and Iraqi lives but those of
other Moslem factions, too, will be lost in the name of Saddam. These
idiot fuckers just elevated Saddam to saintly status.

Good going, Shrub & Co. This will only cause an increase in the number
of assholes with bombs strapped to their backsides to find new ways to
create ever more havoc in ever increasingly entertaining ways. These
guys make the Viet Cong look like a group of pussies.

Parasite makes men dumb, women sexy

A common parasite can increase a women's attractiveness to the opposite sex but also make men more stupid, an Australian researcher says.

About 40 per cent of the world's population is infected with Toxoplasma gondii, including about eight million Australians.

Human infection generally occurs when people eat raw or undercooked meat that has cysts containing the parasite, or accidentally ingest some of the parasite's eggs excreted by an infected cat.

The parasite is known to be dangerous to pregnant women as it can cause disability or abortion of the unborn child, and can also kill people whose immune systems are weakened.

Until recently it was thought to be an insignificant disease in healthy people, Sydney University of Technology infectious disease researcher Nicky Boulter said, but new research has revealed its mind-altering properties.

"Interestingly, the effect of infection is different between men and women," Dr Boulter writes in the latest issue of Australasian Science magazine.

"Infected men have lower IQs, achieve a lower level of education and have shorter attention spans. They are also more likely to break rules and take risks, be more independent, more anti-social, suspicious, jealous and morose, and are deemed less attractive to women.

"On the other hand, infected women tend to be more outgoing, friendly, more promiscuous, and are considered more attractive to men compared with non-infected controls.

"In short, it can make men behave like alley cats and women behave like sex kittens".

Dr Boulter said the recent Czech Republic research was not conclusive, but was backed up by animal studies that found infection also changes the behaviour of mice.

The mice were more likely to take risks that increased their chance of being eaten by cats, which would allow the parasite to continue its life cycle.

Rodents treated with drugs that killed the parasites reversed their behaviour, Dr Boulter said.

Another study showed people who were infected but not showing symptoms were 2.7 times more likely than uninfected people to be involved in a car accident as a driver or pedestrian, while other research has linked the parasite to higher incidences of schizophrenia.

"The increasing body of evidence connecting Toxoplasma infection with changes in personality and mental state, combined with the extremely high incidence of human infection in both developing and developed countries, warrants increased government funding and research, in particular to find safe and effective treatments or vaccines," Dr Boulter said.

Source Code Access Denied in Disputed Race

A judge ruled Friday that congressional aspirant Christine Jennings has no right to examine the programming source code that runs the electronic voting machines at the center of a disputed Southwest Florida congressional race.

Circuit Judge William Gary ruled that Jennings' arguments about the possibility of lost votes were "conjecture," and didn't warrant overriding the trade secrets of the voting machine company.

Democrats in Congress meanwhile, said they'd allow Republican Vern Buchanan to take the seat next Thursday, but with a warning that the inquiry wasn't over and that his hold on it could be temporary.

The state has certified Buchanan the winner of the District 13 race by a scant 369 votes.

The ruling Friday from Judge Gary prevents for now the Jennings camp from being able to use the programming code to try to show voting machines used in Sarasota County malfunctioned. Jennings claims that an unusually large number of undervotes _ ballots that didn't show a vote _ recorded in the race implies the machines lost the votes.

"The judge has reaffirmed that there is no merit to Christine Jennings' baseless allegations that the voting machines malfunctioned," Buchanan spokeswoman Sally Tibbetts said in a statement released by his campaign. "As noted by the judge in today's ruling, two parallel tests conducted by the state revealed '100 percent accuracy of the equipment in reporting the vote selections.'"

Reggie Mitchell, a lawyer for People for the American Way, a group working with the Jennings campaign in challenging the election results, said the judge's decision would likely be appealed.

"We'd like to get (the code) and prove our case as opposed to listening to the state and (the voting machine company's) theories," Mitchell said.

Jennings still has a complaint filed before Congress, which is the ultimate arbiter of who will fill the seat. The seat is being vacated by Rep. Katherine Harris, a Republican who unsuccessfully ran for the Senate.

"The House has the power to collect evidence and make a decision about who, if anyone, was duly elected to represent the people of the 13th district," U.S. Rep. Rush Holt, D-N.J., said Friday before the judge's ruling. Holt plans to make an official statement next week making it clear that by seating Buchanan, the House isn't forfeiting the right to reverse that decision later.

"No one who is in a disputed election like this should get too comfortable in the House of Representatives," Holt said in a news conference at the Capitol.

But that was before Gary put a dent in Jennings' plans with his ruling Friday, in which he said that testimony by experts for Jennings about how unlikely it was that voters would have chosen to simply skip the race was merely "conjecture."

Drew Hammill, a spokesman for incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., said that the judge's ruling Friday didn't change plans by the House to investigate the election, and also noted that the ruling isn't final because Jennings can appeal.

But Democrats have no plans to block Buchanan from taking the seat, deciding the people of the southwest Florida district should have representation while the contest is being decided, Hammill said.

"This is the best way to maintain representation for Florida District 13 while allowing the two appropriate challenges to run their course," said Hammill.

Jennings said she agreed.

"I think it's the right thing to do, to seat Vern Buchanan temporarily while we gather evidence," Jennings said before Gary's ruling. "But I am pursuing this and I do believe I will end up being the representative for the people of the 13th District."

Neither Jennings nor her lawyers could be immediately reached following Gary's ruling.

Holt said Democrats were sending a message that the winner of the seat should be decided deliberately.

"This is not going to be a Congress where procedural matters are determined by brute force," he said. But, he said he believed the evidence would show that the vote was marred and there was a good possibility Jennings would ultimately be seated.

The electronic touch-screen machines used in Sarasota County are at the center of the challenge.

Some 18,000 Sarasota County electronic ballots did not register a vote in the race, a much higher undervote rate _ nearly 15 percent _ than in others such as those for governor or U.S. Senate. Jennings contends the machines lost the votes. Buchanan backers and the company say that if there was an unusually large undervote it was likely because of bad ballot design.

The state found no evidence of malfunctions in the machines, which were made by Election Systems & Software.

I knew it.

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry mid-term.  The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor  shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,  why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

  Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or  some
variant.

  One student, however, wrote the following:


  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So
we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and  the rate
at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely  assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,  no souls are leaving.
As
for how many souls are entering Hell,  let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.


  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of  their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one  of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one  religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and  death rates as
they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell  to increase
exponentially.


  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure  in
Hell
to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand  proportionately as
souls are added.


  This gives two possibilities:


  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will  increase
until
all Hell breaks loose.


  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of  souls
in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until  Hell freezes
over.  So which is it?


  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my  Freshman

year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep  with you,"
and
take into account the fact that I slept with her  last night, then
number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that  Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over.


  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,  it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is  therefore,
extinct..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the  existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa  kept shouting "Oh
my
God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

saddam dead

So long, Saddam Hussein
I cant believe your song is gone so soon.
I barely learned the tune
So soon
So soon.

Ill remember Saddam Hussein .
All of the nights wed harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

Chorus
Dictators may come and
Dictators may go and
Never change your point of view.
When I run dry
I stop awhile and think of you

So long, Saddam Hussein
All of the nights wed harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

namaste;

BACON WRAPPED Kirstie Alley

BACON WRAPPED Kirstie Alley


 1 200 lb. large Kirstie Alley, deveined
 100 lb. bacon
 Toothpicks
 Grease

 Devein and wash Kirstie Alley. Cut bacon slices into three hundred
 strips. Wrap bacon around Kirstie Alley. Break toothpicks in half.
 Stick through bacon and Kirstie Alley so that bacon will not come off.
 No seasoning is necessary. Heat grease and deep fry Kirstie Alley. Cook
 until bacon is crisp. Remove and drain. There, you have a nice party
 snack or late night snack.

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfield convicted of War Crimes, sentenced to hang next week

http://psychedelictourist.blogspot.com/2006/11/bush-cheney-rumsfield-...

Last night I sat in front of the T.V. set and watched in amazement as
the verdict of guilty was delivered at the War Crimes Tribune against
GW Bush and two of his top associates. After a three month trial in
which George Bush was charged with an 18 -count indictement over his
handling of the war in Iraq, the Special Tribunal in the Hague
sentenced George W. Bush and two of his co-defendants, Donald Rumsfield
and Dick Cheney, to death.

As his sentence was read, George Bush, clutching his Bible, went into a
rant, "God spoke to me on 911!" he told the judge repeatedly as he was
read the sentence: death for murder, 10 years for forcible deportation,
10 years for torture.

The 18-count indictement includes providing false and deceptive
rationales for war, authorizing, ordering and condoning direct attacks
on civilians, as well as assassinations, summary executions,
kidnappings, secret and other illegal detentions of individuals,
torture and physical and psychological coercion of prisoners to obtain
false statements.

Here is the full list of charges against GW Bush:

1) Seizing power to wage wars of aggression in defiance of the U.S.
Constitution, the U.N. Charter and the rule of law; carrying out a
massive assault on and occupation of Iraq, a country that was not
threatening the United States, resulting in the death and maiming of
tens of thousands of Iraqis, and hundreds of U.S. G.I.s.

2) Lying to the people of the U.S., to Congress, and to the U.N.,
providing false and deceptive rationales for war.

3) Authorizing, ordering and condoning direct attacks on civilians,
civilian facilities and locations where civilian casualties were
unavoidable.

4) Threatening the independence and sovereignty of Iraq by
belligerently changing its government by force and assaulting Iraq in a
war of aggression.

5) Authorizing, ordering and condoning assassinations, summary
executions, kidnappings, secret and other illegal detentions of
individuals, torture and physical and psychological coercion of
prisoners to obtain false statements concerning acts and intentions of
governments and individuals and violating within the United States, and
by authorizing U.S. forces and agents elsewhere, the rights of
individuals under the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments
to the Constitution of the United States, the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights, and the International Covenant on Civil and Political
Rights.

6) Making, ordering and condoning false statements and propaganda about
the conduct of foreign governments and individuals and acts by U.S.
government personnel; manipulating the media and foreign governments
with false information; concealing information vital to public
discussion and informed judgment concerning acts, intentions and
possession, or efforts to obtain weapons of mass destruction in order
to falsely create a climate of fear and destroy opposition to U.S. wars
of aggression and first strike attacks.

7) Violations and subversions of the Charter of the United Nations and
international law, both a part of the "Supreme Law of the land" under
Article VI, paragraph 2, of the Constitution, in an attempt to commit
with impunity crimes against peace and humanity and war crimes in wars
and threats of aggression against Afghanistan, Iraq and others and
usurping powers of the United Nations and the peoples of its nations by
bribery, coercion and other corrupt acts and by rejecting treaties,
committing treaty violations, and frustrating compliance with treaties
in order to destroy any means by which international law and
institutions can prevent, affect, or adjudicate the exercise of U.S.
military and economic power against the international community.

8) Acting to strip United States citizens of their constitutional and
human rights, ordering indefinite detention of citizens, without access
to counsel, without charge, and without opportunity to appear before a
civil judicial officer to challenge the detention, based solely on the
discretionary designation by the Executive of a citizen as an "enemy
combatant."

9) Ordering indefinite detention of non-citizens in the United States
and elsewhere, and without charge, at the discretionary designation of
the Attorney General or the Secretary of Defense.

10) Ordering and authorizing the Attorney General to override judicial
orders of release of detainees under INS jurisdiction, even where the
judicial officer after full hearing determines a detainee is wrongfully
held by the government.

11) Authorizing secret military tribunals and summary execution of
persons who are not citizens who are designated solely at the
discretion of the Executive who acts as indicting official, prosecutor
and as the only avenue of appellate relief.

12) Refusing to provide public disclosure of the identities and
locations of persons who have been arrested, detained and imprisoned by
the U.S. government in the United States, including in response to
Congressional inquiry.

13) Use of secret arrests of persons within the United States and
elsewhere and denial of the right to public trials.

14) Authorizing the monitoring of confidential attorney-client
privileged communications by the government, even in the absence of a
court order and even where an incarcerated person has not been charged
with a crime.

15) Ordering and authorizing the seizure of assets of persons in the
United States, prior to hearing or trial, for lawful or innocent
association with any entity that at the discretionary designation of
the Executive has been deemed "terrorist."

16) Institutionalization of racial and religious profiling and
authorization of domestic spying by federal law enforcement on persons
based on their engagement in noncriminal religious and political
activity.

17) Refusal to provide information and records necessary and
appropriate for the constitutional right of legislative oversight of
executive functions.

18) Rejecting treaties protective of peace and human rights and
abrogation of the obligations of the United States under, and
withdrawal from, international treaties and obligations without consent
of the legislative branch, and including termination of the ABM treaty
between the United States and Russia, and rescission of the authorizing
signature from the Treaty of Rome which served as the basis for the
International Criminal Court.

500 at 'war crimes tribunal' find Bush guilty
http://www.peoplejudgebush.org/tribunal.shtml

PDF of charges and more info:
http://www.bushcommission.org/

Mr. Brown

James Brown
Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto
Funky Christmas

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Pitch up your reindeer. Uh!
Go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.

And every stockings you buy,
The kids are gonna love you. So, Uh!

Leave a toy for Johnny.
Leave a dog for Mary.
Leave something pretty for Donnie.
And don't forget about Gary.

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Tell him James Brown sent you. Ha!
Go straight to the ghetto.

You know that I know that you will see
Cause' that was once. Me.

Hit it! Hit it!
You see mothers and soul brothers.

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, oh lord, go straight to the ghetto.
And every stockings you buy,
The kids are gonna love you.

So, pick up a stocking you find.
You'll know they need you.
So, I'm begging you Santa Claus,
Go straight to the ghetto.

If anyone wanna know,
Tell him James Brown told you.

So, Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Never thought I realized, I'll be singing a song
With one of you. My!
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.

Don't leave nothing for me.
I have you. Can't you see?
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, the soul brothers need you.

So, Santa Claus, tell him James Brown sent you...
(fade)

M$ Turkey

I went over to WalMart and they had these things stacked up against the
wall.  There were so many of them, and so many people were buying them.
Must be like 95% of the whole human race out buying these turkeys.

I got mine home and took the cover off to start to thaw it.  I noticed that
this turkey I bought was first frozen in 2001, but that it had a seven year
shelf life, so I was well within that timeframe.  I would have liked to have
a new turkey this Xmas, but I guess M$ must have bought the farm back then
and still had a lot of them in the warehouse.  Whatever, turkey is turkey,
and if it's the same as it's been for several years, wtf.

I got a phone call while it was thawing.  I came back to the turkey about 15
minutes later and found out that someone had snuck in my kitchen door,
removed a drumstick, and stuffed the cavity with Spam.  So I took it back to
WalMart and luckily the manager agreed to replace it with a new one, and he
also sold me a roasting/thawing pan with a deadbolt lock on it and advised
me not to leave it out in the open.  Fair enough, this is not the best of
neighborhoods sometimes.

I got the thing all thawed out, and with the kitchen door secured, I opened
up the roaster thing and added the stuffing.  I almost forgot to pull out
the little bag of giblets!  Many times I had baked turkey in the past and
the little plastic bag was still inside, but this year I remembered.  I
noticed there was a coupon in the bag this time.

It entitled me to a $5 discount on M$ next crop of turkeys, which it said
couldn't be made available in time for Xmas this year.  Wow, I can put that
over with my important papers and have something new next year.  While this
one has been in the freezer for five years now, it's still quite pink and
not at all freezer burnt.  But that'll be a novelty to get a fresher one,
something to look forward to.

This turkey had one of those pop up thermometer timer things.  I jiggered it
a little to see if it was working, and a little computer chip inside in a
squeeky voice told me to cook it at 350 F for twenty minutes a pound, and to
poke it when it was browned, and if the juices were clear, it was ready to
go.  It then told me I should check if it was 165F with a meat thermometer.
I went down the street to the hardware store, which was still open, and told
the manager I needed a meat thermometer for a M$ turkey.  He said, just go
pick out any one on the shelf, even the old ones in the back, they're
completely compatible.  So $3 later I had my thermometer.

I used this generic brand of stuffing and cooked it up and it came out
great.  Everybody was satisfied and it was turkey as usual, same as last
year, same as the year before that.  Nothing strange except, you know, for
some reason, the closer this bird came to getting cooked, the slower it got
at browning.  I had to leave it in an extra hour until the juicy pinkness
cleared up.  Seems like it took longer than last year.

Everybody was so hungry that eventually one of them dug in to get the last
piece of stuffing, and would you believe, found a small amount of Spam
inside.  Must have been stuck in there by someone from the factory.  We just
threw it out, no problem.

Then later I started cutting up the carcass for midnight sandwiches,
cleaning the bones.  All of a sudden, the knife clunked up against something
right behind the neck.  Now, I did remember to remove the giblets this year,
what could this be?

Oh, gosh, it was an AOL disk.  Lucky, none of the guests knew I had forgot
to remove it, and it didn't spoil the flavor or anything.  Hey, I might
clean it off and try AOL out again this year to see if they've gotten any
better these days.

The day after, a couple of us ended up with a mild case of the runs.  I
guess somebody brought in a virus.  Well, with the cold weather and closed
quarters, and all these people milling around during the holidays, that's
not totally surprising.  Took a little Paregoric and I was fit as a fiddle.
I felt kinda bad about the virus, but I called the guests the next day and
they said, oh, it could have happened to any one of us, it wasn't a big
deal, and if that's all that happened was some loose bowels, it certainly
can't spoil everybody getting together and communicating and having fun at
the holidays.

Can't wait to try out that new crop of turkeys next Xmas!

i-turkey

There's an Apple store near me.  This I knew long ago, but I saw an add in
the paper that they were open on Xmas day, and were serving a complete
turkey dinner with all the trimmings, prepared with the new iCook device
they were planning on launching in 2007.  How could I resist.

I went into the store and they had moved all the computers to the side and
put in a completely white banquet table with about 50 white chairs
surrounding it.  I took my place and paid the $249 dinner fee, which I
thought was excessive, but they promised to take ALL the hassle out of
dining for me, so I figured, what the hey.

On the plate in front of my there was the iCook device.  It had three things
that looked like electrocardiogram electrodes, shiny chrome bullets on the
end of a very thin white wire connected to the cigarette sized iCook itself.
One wire was about five feet in length.

The "chef" came in, and told us all to insert the outer two electrodes on
our tongues, and to swallow the one with the longest cord.  I thought that
might make me gag, but it's coated with an anesthetic so you can get it down
really easy.  I swallowed mine with absolutely no problem.

Then this freakish bird like thing was taken out of its cage and fastened to
the table with bungee cords.  The bird was an albino.  The "Chef" then
attached some probes to the bird, connecting it with a small mini box which,
we were told, was the server for our iCooks.

The bird then extended a proboscis with several attachments on it like a
dentist's drill.  The first one was a feather remover.  It buzzed all over
the bird and cleaned off all the feathers, which were sucked up into a
ceiling vacuum.  Another attachment neatly severed the bird's neck.  No
blood came out!

One more attachment gutted the iTurkey, and the all white entrails were
swiftly removed with another vacuum wand skillfully wielded by the "Chef".
The "Chef" then proceeded to stuff the iTurkey with white stuffing.

A thirty-six laser light then shone on the iTurkey from above.  In about
thirty seconds, the skin was crispy and the smell of turkey filled the room.
No need to wait hours for cooking!

The probes on my tongue then started emitting the most heavenly "turkey and
stuffing" taste.  Nothing was in my mouth, yet it seemed as if I could chew
and swallow every virtual morsel.  As I and the other diners slurped at the
electrodes, the iTurkey in the center shrank in size until it eventually
disappeared completely.

The probe down in my stomach had expanded in size dramatically.  I had to
loosen my belt.  The taste generated by the iCook device sated me
completely, and my gut felt as if it was a-busting.  I then became very
drowsy because the tongue probes had begun to simulate alpha waves inside my
skull.  I felt just as if I had eaten the biggest holiday dinner, and the
best, in my whole life!

I must have dozed off about two hours.  The other diners and I seemed to
arouse at about the same time, all as directed by our iCooks.  Indeed, for
the money, this was probably the best dining experience I had ever had.

Noting that we all had arisen from our postprandial naps, the Chef told us,
that was the end of the meal.

Unless some of us wanted to stay to experience the other new product being
launched, the iToilet.

OSS Turkey

I went to the butcher shop yesterday to buy a turkey.  I could have paid
$0.89 a pound for one, but instead the butcher told me about a new movement
in the meat industry, the open source meat initiative.  Under this new plan,
you could just get a free turkey, or rather, a type of species very close to
a real turkey, equal in nutrition and almost exactly the same in every other
regard.  Rather than raising them on the farm, small hobbyists all over the
world raise their own turkey-like birds and exchange them for free with each
other, hoping that one day all the inbreeding will produce a species much
tastier than the usual mechafarm produced crap.

So I opted for the free turkey!  The butcher gave me this carcass with all
the dark meat but no white meat.

I asked, "What good is this?".  The butcher said, well, most of the FLAVOR
of the turkey is in the DARK MEAT.  Due to a legal issue with the
HunnySuckel corporation, he couldn't just give me a whole turkey.  However,
he said his brother was in the parking lot out back, and had the white meat
in his trunk for all the free turkeys.  He explained to me that it was up to
me, if I wanted white meat, I could go out to the back and get it.  He said
a lot of the free turkey people simply content themselves with the dark
meat.  "The Free Turkey people are believers in CHOICE", he intoned.

But I would not be so content.

So I went out back, and sure enough, there was his brother, and he pulled
from the trunk a nice set of breasts and wings, and even gave me a little
handy sewing thing so I could sew them back on myself.

I got it home, sewed it back together, and put it into the roaster pan.
Unfortunately, the free turkey was too oddly shaped to fit in the pan.  So I
ended up having to buy a FOIL pan and kind of mashing it into the right
shape for my free turkey.

It suddenly occurred to me, I didn't remember exactly how to cook a turkey.
So I searched the internet all over and found a nice recipe to cook my free
turkey.  The recipe went something like this:

1.  Slice and serve the meat but not until you have read the full cooking
instructions (unless you have done this before and know exactly what you are
doing, and realize that some people have no business trying to cook a turkey
unless they know avian anatomy and physiology and food science cold like us,
in which case they should stick to eating at McDonald's).

2.  Before you do that, you must thaw the turkey, unless the turkey is
already thawed, but do not skip step 3 below, EXCEPT when the turkey is
already cooked.  However, if you want it warm, prior to eating, do not do
step 1 first!  Instead, heat the turkey and then do step 1.  THIS IS NOT
ROCKET SCIENCE!  Do we make ourselves CLEAR?

3.  Bake the free turkey for 250 * 106 microseconds per kilogram at a
temperature of 449.816667 kelvin.  IMPORTANT:  if you pierce the breast with
a sharp knife, and the juices are still running pink, the turkey may not be
fully cooked and you risk intestinal disease if you eat it at this stage.
To prevent this {TODO list - insert additional cooking instructions in next
build along with documentation referring to desired final temperature of
cooked meat}.

So I got out my slide rule and computed the cooking time, popped the bird in
the oven and turned it on.  I crossed my fingers and presumed the juices
wouldn't run pink and all that.  Then I noticed the very strangest thing.

With this open source turkey in the oven, I went to set the oven timer.
It's a digital timer on a Westinghouse oven.  Every time I set it, it
displayed 88:88.  I could set the timer OK with the free turkey OUT of the
oven, but every time I put it in, the display read 88:88.  After a while, I
simply decided to use my pocket watch to do the timing.

While the free open source turkey was cooking, I did some more GOOGLING and
found out that if I had used a KENMORE oven instead, the timer would set
properly.  Since the turkey was free, I decided it wasn't such a big problem
to do without the little timer, especially since I had this nice little
pocket watch around.

After about two hours, the smell of turkey began to fill the room and it was
heavenly!  I could see through the oven window, the skin was browning and
crisping nicely.  I could hardly wait until the cooking period was over.

That's when, all of a sudden the light in the oven blew out.  I could not
see inside at all!  Panicking, I reached for my oven mitts and opened up the
oven door to peer inside.

I discovered that somehow the free turkey in my oven had completely locked
up the oven door latch!  I could not get inside the oven.  The timer still
read 88:88 and I had no idea what was going on inside.  Normally, I'd just
flip the little safety lever and the door would open, but with the free
turkey inside, it was frozen shut.

To get it out, I finally had to break through the glass in the oven door.
This is not a simple thing because it's tempered glass.  Shards of glass got
into the turkey, and I then knew I couldn't eat the thing.  It was corrupted
totally in the process of finalizing the cooking.  The smell of the house
was very enticing, I must admit, and the parts of the free turkey that
weren't full of broken glass were very nicely browned.

I ended up going to Denny's for a turkey dinner.  They're open 24 hours,
even on Xistlessmass.  That dinner cost me $14 including the tip.  It wasn't
the best turkey around, but the stuffing was pretty tasty and it filled me
up.  Even though I kind of resented throwing more of my money at a big
corporate food place like that.

The day after Xistlessmas I'm going to go out and buy a new oven door, and
see if that butcher has any free, open source FILET MIGNON around, just to
give that a try.  Maybe if I try a different SPECIES this time, I can find a
free food alternative that is ready for my kitchen!

oh well

Whats wrong with em?