chalupacabra

Press Release

2007-02-14T18:59:00.000-08:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. 1-216-320-9528
Fax: (216) 320-9528
stang@subgenius.com

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Sainthood by SubGenius UFO Cult

February 14, 2007: The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous
Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.

The Church acknowledged Miss Smith's fey, outrageous lifestyle and
agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood.  Church founder J.R.
"Bob" Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live
their lives, and Miss Smith's life has met the following criteria:

  1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the
expectations of others.
  2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or
intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.
  3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the
hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers.  This meets the
definition of a SubGenius commandment: "Don't just eat that hamburger,
eat the HELL out of it!"
  4. She was martyred by the "Pinks" (a SubGenius term referring to
"normal people"), after being crucified in the press.
  5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a
"Son of Man". Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father
of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female)
mortals are claiming to be the father of her child.  The Church uses
this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith's child shall be
a prophet of the SubGenius.
  6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality,
which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).

In the official Calendar of SubGenius Saints, the date of May 1st will
be set aside for honoring Miss Smith.  She will share this day with
Saint Catherine I (The Great) of Russia, who also had Sainthood
bestowed on her posthumously by the Church.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a
"parody" of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, and
the Unification Church. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure
named J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been
seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from
performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime. A number
of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads
singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, late science fiction author Robert
Anton Wilson, comic book artist R. Crumb, and Pee-Wee Herman.

In 2001, the Church offered a formal invitation to Miss Smith, for her
to attend its annual End of the World celebration (X-Day) as a
vacation from the stress of her daily life.

Anna Nicole Smith is not the first celebrity to be awarded posthumous
Sainthood in the Church.  In 1986, an official SubGenius minister
ordainment was bestowed upon Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, a
scant two weeks before his death.  In his published autobiography,
rock and roll singer Frank Zappa acknowledged his agreement with the
Church's ideals, though refused to join the organization; a posthumous
Sainthood was awarded to him by the Church shortly after his passing.

The official home page of the Church of the SubGenius can be found at:

   http://www.subgenius.com

--
                       The High Weirdness Project
                         http://www.modemac.com

Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

Why Anna Nicole Smith is a Subgenius Saint

  1. She spent her life slacking, and did not conform to the
expectations of others
  2. she achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or
intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck
  3. As we can tell from photos of her, she ate the hell out of her
fair share of cheeseburgers
  4. She was martyed by the Pinks, after being crucified in the press
  5. Like St. Mary of the Xtians, her child is a "Son of Man". Unlike
Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, It seems
like EVERY male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be
the father of her child. I predict that this child shall be a prophet
of the Subgenius. We should endevour to make this happen.
  6. She was at times pretty and sexy, so venerating her would be a
good draw, which is the prime reason for venerating anybody.

tool

2007-02-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

That's right!!! I am a tool. A tool of "Bob"!!! A tool, like one of
those automatic seed spreader thingys you get at oversized hardware
stores, spreading the seed of DOUBT, oozesquirting the jizz of "Bob"'s
mighty OverTesticles into the unconscious depths of hyuuman brains,
possibly awakening and watering the soil in which the seed of Bobdoubt
may grow and turn into a TUMOR the size of a LEMON. And what a lemon
that will be. You know what THEY SAY, When life gives you lemons, run
around in circles screaming like bonobos and fling poo at each other!
Yoou know what. It feels good. It feels GREAT! It keeps me from pacing
my apartment like a caged panther, and that is all I could ever ask in
return for fulfilling my need to be an obsessive compulsive stationary
whore. That and maybe someone will send over some Jehovahs witnesses
or private investigators.

God speaks to me and disproves evolution

2007-02-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday God spoke to me. I didn't realize it at first. I thought it
was just some senile and sick old woman wiping her ass with everything
she could reach because she had diarrhea in bed and wanted to fling
shit everywhere. Naturally, I couldn't stop her, I was busy, just far
enough away to know what was happening. When I was able to clean up
the mess, shit was everywhere... pads, the bed, sheets, blankets, her
nightgown, the floor, the wall...

Then I noticed a bible lying around. Yes, shit was on it too. But I
still didn't realize what had happened.

Then today, it hit me. God had spoken. Much like being in church, the
place had smelled bad. Too much shit was there... therefore it must
have been created out of nothing. And I'd nearly vomited, which I
would do if I had fish made out of stale, moldy bread, like God uses
when he makes fish, or wine that's made of water and looks yellowish.
Which means it was a genuine miracle. God have made shit from nothing,
and left me to clean in up, with horrible vapors in the air, which is
generally how God treats people.

And now I've grasped the significance. I've always wondered how people
evolved from monkees when most of them are dumber than monkees. The
truth is, we haven't, at least not anymore. The cinderella effect is
wearing off... it's long past midnight, and we're turning back into
monkees... and have been monkees the whole time. We never evolved. Our
shit did. We learned to spew it from our other end, because we didn't
have enough to throw at each other, and our words were easier to make
than more shit, and we generally weren't so fond of the stench, which
hits us when we're throwing our shit just as much as it hits the
person hit with our shit. But now, we don't need words. God has
returned, and he can make shit out of nothing. Personally, I'm going
to stick with words, as I'm not fond of the smell, but then again,
I've always been that way about religion.

meow

2007-02-02T20:38:00.001-08:00

Three little kittens they lost their mittens, and they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear, we sadly fear that we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!
Then you shall have no pie."
"Meeow, meeow, meeow, now we shall have no pie."
The three little kittens they found their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear, see here, see here
For we have found our mittens."
"Put on your mittens, you silly kittens
And you shall have some pie"
"Meeow, meeow, meeow,
Now let us have some pie."
The three little kittens put on their mittens
And soon ate up the pie,
"Oh mother dear, we greatly fear
That we have soiled our mittens."
"What! soiled you mittens, you naughty kittens!"
Then they began to cry, "Meeow, meeow, meeow"
Then they began to sigh.
The three little kittens they washed their mittens
And hung them out to dry,
"Oh mother dear, do you not hear
That we have washed our mittens."
"What! washed your mittens, you are good kittens."
But I smell a rat close by,
"Meeow, meeow, meeow" we smell a rat close by...

jasolator

2007-01-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

 - Jesus loves you, and is going to see that you burn in hell forever

- Nehemiah begat Azriel.  Azriel begat Abuchadnezzer.  Abuchadnezzer
begat Schomelek.  Schomelek begat Robert Smith.  Robert Smith begat
The Cure.  The Cure begat Goth.  Goth begat Marylin Manson.  Marylin
Manson begat bad videos on MTV.  MTV begat a killing in royalties.
Royalties begat Judith.  Judith begat Hymie.  Hymie made quite a
killing on a string of 7-11s in Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh begat a
booming steel industry.  Steel begat an auto industry.  The auto
industry begat growth economics.  Growth economics begat Ronald
Reagan.  Ronald Reagan begat a monkey.  A monkey begat your mommy.
Your mommy begat your daddy, who then begat you on your mommy, which
begat a paradox.  You begat a banana.  A banana begat Noah.  Noah
begat an ark then Noah's daughters begat on Noah.  Noah thought that
was a nice arrangement.  God begat Noah.  God begat Jesus but we
aren't supposed to ask how.  Jesus begat a religion but we aren't
supposed to ask why.  Jesus was a virgin but we aren't supposed to
think about that much.  It is not right to think about the Penis of
the Saviour of the World.  Jesus came to save us all by inventing the
idea of eternal hellfire because otherwise he wouldn't have anything
to save us from.  Eternal hellfire begat a lot of very holy baptist
ministers who aren't virgins but they feel just awful about it and
think you should be one.  The southern baptists begat a return to good
ol' religion which begat Ronald Reagan again.  Just like Arkansas
cousins.  They aren't virgins either but they feel just awful about it
for ten minutes every sunday.  Which in turn begat country music.
Country music begat the back-assward voter bloc.  The back-asswards
voter bloc begat Ronald Reagan again.  Ronald Reagan begat a gay son
but he feels just awful about it.  Then Pharaoh told unto Ronald
Reagan "get ye hence", and Ronald Reagan walked on water and bailed
out the day traders.  Then Anwar Sadat got blowed up.  Then the Berlin
wall got blowed up.  Then Clinton got elected.

And that's where the bible ends.

But then Dubya got elected and tried to make Apocalypses (tm) happen
in Iraq but Jesus didn't come back.

And Dubya is still scratching his head.

And that's where the bible ends again.

It's all Rumsfeld's fault.


--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"Hell is just like here, except the dogs can whistle."
--George Carlin

More from the greeter

2007-01-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and
wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with
more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't!

The oldest one, he's 9 and
the younger one, she's 7.
Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they
look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice

WallyWorld

2007-01-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

I had to take a job at Wal-Mart last month, and since I am an old guy,
they made me a greeter.

This is totally fucked up, because I think I'm capable of being a sales
person and walking around and telling you where you can get your
screwdriver, needklepoint tools, tampons or ammunition.

I realize that it is an honor to wear the Blue Smock, don't get me
wrong.

I get really bored, and it is costing me alot of money in Meth and Pot
to keep that fucking smile pasted on my face, I am barely breaking
even. I am hoping to get some Zanex or some real meds so I don't want
to kill myself all the time.

But they don't have a very good medical plan at Wal_Mart.

I'm thinking mercuric chloride.

any suggestions?

Bullet

2007-01-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from "Here, Bullet," a book of poetry written by Sgt. Brian Turner, 3rd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, while he was serving in Iraq:

Here, Bullet
If a body is what you want,
then here is bone and gristle and flesh.
Here is the clavicle-snapped wish,
the aorta's opened valves, the leap
thought makes at the synaptic gap.
Here is the adrenaline rush you crave,
that inexorable flight, that insane puncture
into heat and blood. And I dare you to finish
what you've started. Because here, Bullet,
here is where I complete the word you bring
hissing through the air, here is where I moan
the barrel's cold esophagus, triggering
my tongue's explosives for the rifling I have
inside of me, each twist of the round
spun deeper, because here, Bullet,
here is where the world ends, every time.

The Jew among Thorns

2007-01-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

There was once a rich man, who had a servant who served him diligently and honestly: He was every morning the first out of bed, and the last to go to rest at night; and, whenever there was a difficult job to be done, which nobody cared to undertake, he was always the first to set himself to it. Moreover, he never complained, but was contented with everything, and always merry.

When a year was ended, his master gave him no wages, for he said to himself, “That is the cleverest way; for I shall save something, and he will not go away, but stay quietly in my service. The servant said nothing, but did his work the second year as he had done it the first; and when at the end of this, likewise, he received no wages, he made himself happy, and still stayed on.

When the third year also was past, the master considered, put his hand in his pocket, but pulled nothing out. Then at last the servant said, “Master, for three years I have served you honestly, be so good as to give me what I ought to have, for I wish to leave, and look about me a little more in the world.”

“Yes, my good fellow,” answered the old miser; “you have served me industriously, and, therefore, you shall be cheerfully rewarded;” And he put his hand into his pocket, but counted out only three farthings, saying, “There, you have a farthing for each year; that is large and liberal pay, such as you would have received from few masters.”

The honest servant, who understood little about money, put his fortune into his pocket, and thought, “Ah! now that I have my purse full, why need I trouble and plague myself any longer with hard work!” So on he went, up hill and down dale; and sang and jumped to his heart’s content. Now it came to pass that as he was going by a thicket a little man stepped out, and called to him, “Whither away, merry brother? I see you do not carry many cares.”

“Why should I be sad?” answered the servant; “I have enough; three years’ wages are jingling in my pocket.”

“How much is your treasure?” the dwarf asked him. “How much? Three farthings sterling, all told.”

“Look here,” said the dwarf, “I am a poor needy man, give me your three farthings; I can work no longer, but you are young, and can easily earn your bread.”

And as the servant had a good heart, and felt pity for the old man, he gave him the three farthings, saying, “Take them in the name of Heaven, I shall not be any the worse for it.”

Then the little man said, “As I see you have a good heart I grant you three wishes, one for each farthing, they shall all be fulfilled.”

“Aha?” said the servant, “you are one of those who can work wonders! Well, then, if it is to be so, I wish, first, for a gun, which shall hit everything that I aim at; secondly, for a fiddle, which when I play on it, shall compel all who hear it to dance; thirdly, that if I ask a favor of any one he shall not be able to refuse it.”

“All that shall you have,” said the dwarf; and put his hand into the bush, and only think, there lay a fiddle and gun, all ready, just as if they had been ordered. These he gave to the servant, and then said to him, “Whatever you may ask at any time, no man in the world shall be able to deny you.”

“Heart alive! What can one desire more?” said the servant to himself, and went merrily onwards. Soon afterwards he met a Jew with a long goat’s-beard, who was standing listening to the song of a bird which was sitting up at the top of a tree. “Good heavens,” he was exclaiming, “that such a small creature should have such a fearfully loud voice! If it were but mine! If only someone would sprinkle some salt upon its tail!”

“If that is all,” said the servant, “the bird shall soon be down here;” And taking aim he pulled the trigger, and down fell the bird into the thorn-bushes. “Go, you rogue,” he said to the Jew, “and fetch the bird out for yourself!”

“Oh!” said the Jew, “leave out the rogue, my master, and I will do it at once. I will get the bird out for myself, as you really have hit it.” Then he lay down on the ground, and began to crawl into the thicket.

When he was fast among the thorns, the good servant’s humor so tempted him that he took up his fiddle and began to play. In a moment the Jew’s legs began to move, and to jump into the air, and the more the servant fiddled the better went the dance. But the thorns tore his shabby coat from him, combed his beard, and pricked and plucked him all over the body. “Oh dear,” cried the Jew, “what do I want with your fiddling? Leave the fiddle alone, master; I do not want to dance.”

But the servant did not listen to him, and thought, “You have fleeced people often enough, now the thorn-bushes shall do the same to you;” and he began to play over again, so that the Jew had to jump higher than ever, and scraps of his coat were left hanging on the thorns. “Oh, woe’s me! cried the Jew; I will give the gentleman whatsoever he asks if only he leaves off fiddling a purse full of gold.”

“If you are so liberal,” said the servant, “I will stop my music; but this I must say to your credit, that you dance to it so well that it is quite an art;” and having taken the purse he went his way.

The Jew stood still and watched the servant quietly until he was far off and out of sight, and then he screamed out with all his might, “You miserable musician, you beer-house fiddler! wait till I catch you alone, I will hunt you till the soles of your shoes fall off! You ragamuffin! just put five farthings in your mouth, and then you may be worth three halfpence!” and went on abusing him as fast as he could speak. As soon as he had refreshed himself a little in this way, and got his breath again, he ran into the town to the justice.

“My lord judge,” he said, “I have come to make a complaint; see how a rascal has robbed and ill-treated me on the public highway! a stone on the ground might pity me; my clothes all torn, my body pricked and scratched, my little all gone with my purse, good ducats, each piece better than the last; for God’s sake let the man be thrown into prison!”

“Was it a soldier,” said the judge, “who cut you thus with his sabre?”

“Nothing of the sort!” said the Jew; “it was no sword that he had, but a gun hanging at his back, and a fiddle at his neck; the wretch may easily be known.”

So the judge sent his people out after the man, and they found the good servant, who had been going quite slowly along, and they found, too, the purse with the money upon him. As soon as he was taken before the judge he said, “I did not touch the Jew, nor take his money; he gave it to me of his own free will, that I might leave off fiddling because he could not bear my music.”

“Heaven defend us!” cried the Jew, “his lies are as thick as flies upon the wall.”

But the judge also did not believe his tale, and said, “This is a bad defence, no Jew would do that.” And because he had committed robbery on the public highway, he sentenced the good servant to be hanged. As he was being led away the Jew again screamed after him, “You vagabond! you dog of a fiddler! now you are going to receive your well-earned reward!” The servant walked quietly with the hangman up the ladder, but upon the last step he turned round and said to the judge, “Grant me just one request before I die.”

“Yes, if you do not ask your life,” said the judge. “I do not ask for life,” answered the servant, “but as a last favor let me play once more upon my fiddle.” The Jew raised a great cry of “Murder! murder! for goodness’ sake do not allow it! Do not allow it!” But the judge said, “Why should I not let him have this short pleasure? it has been granted to him, and he shall have it.” However, he could not have refused on account of the gift which had been bestowed on the servant.

Then the Jew cried, “Oh! woe’s me! tie me, tie me fast!” while the good servant took his fiddle from his neck, and made ready. As he gave the first scrape, they all began to quiver and shake, the judge, his clerk, and the hangman and his men, and the cord fell out of the hand of the one who was going to tie the Jew fast. At the second scrape all raised their legs, and the hangman let go his hold of the good servant, and made himself ready to dance. At the third scrape they all leaped up and began to dance; the judge and the Jew being the best at jumping. Soon all who had gathered in the market-place out of curiosity were dancing with them; old and young, fat and lean, one with another. The dogs, likewise, which had run there got up on their hind legs and capered about; and the longer he played, the higher sprang the dancers, so that they knocked against each other’s heads, and began to shriek terribly.

At length the judge cried, quite of breath, “I will give you your life if you will only stop fiddling.” The good servant thereupon had compassion, took his fiddle and hung it round his neck again, and stepped down the ladder. Then he went up to the Jew, who was lying upon the ground panting for breath, and said, “You rascal, now confess, whence you got the money, or I will take my fiddle and begin to play again.”

“I stole it, I stole it! cried he; “but you have honestly earned it.” So the judge had the Jew taken to the gallows and hanged as a thief.

Truth or Dare?

2007-01-03T19:38:00.001-08:00

1.) I ordered a Roast Beef sandwich from Rax in Athens, Ohio while running two revolving amber lights atop my 1991 Dodge Shadow (The original ghetto sled).
2.) When I was two, I was obsessed with light switches and would inexplicably shout "ZAZZLE!" after every heedless on-off cycle.
3.) Every year between the ages 9-14, my parents would buy me a $100 Huffy bicycle and I would immediately proceed to ruin it by constantly attempting BMX tricks and jumping it over a ramp consisting of a piece of plywood resting on a mason block. Eventually, I would bribe younger kids to lie in front of the ramp so I could judge how much airtime I would get. Lengthwise Benjamin Littel and Scotty Clifford plus width-wise Joey Latham was my final record.
4.) I freely exercise my right to juggle at most three pieces of citrus fruit every time I enter a Super Target. Also, I was once reprimanded by a associate there for bowling a cantelope down an aisle to make sure that it would veer left just like a ripe one should.
5.) I seriously thought donut holes really were left over dough from the center of donuts until about six months ago.

The Social Security Trust Fund Is So Broke.

2007-01-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.ssa.gov/qa.htm

Q. Does Social Security have dedicated assets invested for my
retirement?

A. Social Security is largely a "pay-as-you-go" system with today's
taxpayers paying for the benefits of today's retirees. Money not needed
to pay today's benefits is invested in special-issue Treasury bonds.

PB:  Special issue Treasury bonds, eh?   Gee, I wonder what those are?
Notice the word "invested" in there.  Very important.  Governments use
language differently that you and I.   More on this later.

Q. Is there really a Social Security trust fund?

A. Yes. Presently, Social Security collects more in taxes than it pays
in benefits. The excess is borrowed by the U.S. Treasury, which in turn
issues special-issue Treasury bonds to Social Security. These bonds
totaled $1.9 trillion at the beginning of 2006. Social Security
received $94 billion in interest from bonds in 2005. However, Social
Security is still basically a "pay-as-you-go" system as the $1.9
trillion is a small percent of benefit obligations.

PB: "Borrowed by the US Treasury."   There you have it folks.   Let me
translate that for you.   The Govt. took the money that was in the
Trust Fund, spent it, then replaced it with IOUs.   So, where's the
money coming from to pay off those IOUs?    Wait for it...

Q. I hear that Social Security has a big financial problem? Why?

A. Social Security's financing problems are long term and will not
affect today's retirees and near-retirees, but they are very large and
serious. People are living longer, the first baby boomers are nearing
retirement, and the birth rate is low. The result is that the
worker-to-beneficiary ratio has fallen from 16.5-to-1 in 1950 to
3.3-to-1 today. Within 40 years it will be 2-to-1. At this ratio there
will not be enough workers to pay scheduled benefits at current tax
rates.

PB:  At current tax rates?   Oh oh... this is starting to sound
ominous.

Q. What will happen if Social Security is not changed?

A. If Social Security is not changed, payroll taxes will have to be
increased, the benefits of today's younger workers will have to be cut,
or massive transfers from general revenues will be required. Social
Security's Trustees state, "If no action were taken until the combined
trust funds become exhausted in 2040, much larger changes would be
required. For example, payroll taxes could be raised to finance
scheduled benefits fully in every year starting in 2040. In this case,
the payroll tax would be increased to 16.65 percent at the point of
trust fund exhaustion in 2040 and continue rising to 17.78 percent in
2080. Similarly, benefits could be reduced to the level that is payable
with scheduled tax rates in every year beginning in 2040. Under this
scenario, benefits would be reduced 26 percent at the point of trust
fund exhaustion in 2040, with reductions reaching 30 percent in
2080." See the 2006 Trustees Report.


PB:  I posted this mainly because someone who imagines he knows
something challenged me that social security was funded until 2041.  In
short, that person believes what the govt. is telling him, but if you
read between their own lines, you can see it just ain't so.   The SSTF
is effectively empty.    They took the money, spent it as general
revenue, and replaced it with zero coupon bonds, the first of which is
due in 2012.  So, where's the money coming from to pay off those bonds?
Have you guessed yet?  Right, well it's coming out of YOUR pocket in
the form of taxes.

So, how is this is an "investment?"

Here's the definition of investment, for anyone not familiar with the
term:
http://www.investorwords.com/2599/investment.html

Definition 1
In finance, the purchase of a financial product or other item of value
with an expectation of favorable future returns. In general terms,
investment means the use of money in the hope of making more money.

Definition 2
In business, the purchase by a producer of a physical good, such as
durable equipment or inventory, in the hope of improving future
business.

So, how does a govt. issuing bonds then buying them back later with
your taxes constitute an investment?  They taxed you once already when
you paid into the damn fund, then they "borrow" the money, spend it as
general revenue, then pay back the loan by taxing you again?  Huh?

This is the kind of stuff that sent Enron executives to the slammer,
but the govt. does it with impunity, even calls it an "investment" and
you people believe them.  Well, not all of you, hopefully, but at least
one, and as far as I'm concerned, one is ONE TOO MANY!  That person
just better not get on my escape saucer is all.  If he does, I'll smack
him upside the the head with a fire extinguisher and toss him out the
door at 30,000 ft.

Don't we all know?

2006-12-30T17:42:00.000-08:00

Oh, trust me, they done fucked up real good. That fucking Saddam is now
a martyr, and many more lives, not only US and Iraqi lives but those of
other Moslem factions, too, will be lost in the name of Saddam. These
idiot fuckers just elevated Saddam to saintly status.

Good going, Shrub & Co. This will only cause an increase in the number
of assholes with bombs strapped to their backsides to find new ways to
create ever more havoc in ever increasingly entertaining ways. These
guys make the Viet Cong look like a group of pussies.

Parasite makes men dumb, women sexy

2006-12-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

A common parasite can increase a women's attractiveness to the opposite sex but also make men more stupid, an Australian researcher says.

About 40 per cent of the world's population is infected with Toxoplasma gondii, including about eight million Australians.

Human infection generally occurs when people eat raw or undercooked meat that has cysts containing the parasite, or accidentally ingest some of the parasite's eggs excreted by an infected cat.

The parasite is known to be dangerous to pregnant women as it can cause disability or abortion of the unborn child, and can also kill people whose immune systems are weakened.

Until recently it was thought to be an insignificant disease in healthy people, Sydney University of Technology infectious disease researcher Nicky Boulter said, but new research has revealed its mind-altering properties.

"Interestingly, the effect of infection is different between men and women," Dr Boulter writes in the latest issue of Australasian Science magazine.

"Infected men have lower IQs, achieve a lower level of education and have shorter attention spans. They are also more likely to break rules and take risks, be more independent, more anti-social, suspicious, jealous and morose, and are deemed less attractive to women.

"On the other hand, infected women tend to be more outgoing, friendly, more promiscuous, and are considered more attractive to men compared with non-infected controls.

"In short, it can make men behave like alley cats and women behave like sex kittens".

Dr Boulter said the recent Czech Republic research was not conclusive, but was backed up by animal studies that found infection also changes the behaviour of mice.

The mice were more likely to take risks that increased their chance of being eaten by cats, which would allow the parasite to continue its life cycle.

Rodents treated with drugs that killed the parasites reversed their behaviour, Dr Boulter said.

Another study showed people who were infected but not showing symptoms were 2.7 times more likely than uninfected people to be involved in a car accident as a driver or pedestrian, while other research has linked the parasite to higher incidences of schizophrenia.

"The increasing body of evidence connecting Toxoplasma infection with changes in personality and mental state, combined with the extremely high incidence of human infection in both developing and developed countries, warrants increased government funding and research, in particular to find safe and effective treatments or vaccines," Dr Boulter said.

Source Code Access Denied in Disputed Race

2006-12-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

A judge ruled Friday that congressional aspirant Christine Jennings has no right to examine the programming source code that runs the electronic voting machines at the center of a disputed Southwest Florida congressional race.

Circuit Judge William Gary ruled that Jennings' arguments about the possibility of lost votes were "conjecture," and didn't warrant overriding the trade secrets of the voting machine company.

Democrats in Congress meanwhile, said they'd allow Republican Vern Buchanan to take the seat next Thursday, but with a warning that the inquiry wasn't over and that his hold on it could be temporary.

The state has certified Buchanan the winner of the District 13 race by a scant 369 votes.

The ruling Friday from Judge Gary prevents for now the Jennings camp from being able to use the programming code to try to show voting machines used in Sarasota County malfunctioned. Jennings claims that an unusually large number of undervotes _ ballots that didn't show a vote _ recorded in the race implies the machines lost the votes.

"The judge has reaffirmed that there is no merit to Christine Jennings' baseless allegations that the voting machines malfunctioned," Buchanan spokeswoman Sally Tibbetts said in a statement released by his campaign. "As noted by the judge in today's ruling, two parallel tests conducted by the state revealed '100 percent accuracy of the equipment in reporting the vote selections.'"

Reggie Mitchell, a lawyer for People for the American Way, a group working with the Jennings campaign in challenging the election results, said the judge's decision would likely be appealed.

"We'd like to get (the code) and prove our case as opposed to listening to the state and (the voting machine company's) theories," Mitchell said.

Jennings still has a complaint filed before Congress, which is the ultimate arbiter of who will fill the seat. The seat is being vacated by Rep. Katherine Harris, a Republican who unsuccessfully ran for the Senate.

"The House has the power to collect evidence and make a decision about who, if anyone, was duly elected to represent the people of the 13th district," U.S. Rep. Rush Holt, D-N.J., said Friday before the judge's ruling. Holt plans to make an official statement next week making it clear that by seating Buchanan, the House isn't forfeiting the right to reverse that decision later.

"No one who is in a disputed election like this should get too comfortable in the House of Representatives," Holt said in a news conference at the Capitol.

But that was before Gary put a dent in Jennings' plans with his ruling Friday, in which he said that testimony by experts for Jennings about how unlikely it was that voters would have chosen to simply skip the race was merely "conjecture."

Drew Hammill, a spokesman for incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., said that the judge's ruling Friday didn't change plans by the House to investigate the election, and also noted that the ruling isn't final because Jennings can appeal.

But Democrats have no plans to block Buchanan from taking the seat, deciding the people of the southwest Florida district should have representation while the contest is being decided, Hammill said.

"This is the best way to maintain representation for Florida District 13 while allowing the two appropriate challenges to run their course," said Hammill.

Jennings said she agreed.

"I think it's the right thing to do, to seat Vern Buchanan temporarily while we gather evidence," Jennings said before Gary's ruling. "But I am pursuing this and I do believe I will end up being the representative for the people of the 13th District."

Neither Jennings nor her lawyers could be immediately reached following Gary's ruling.

Holt said Democrats were sending a message that the winner of the seat should be decided deliberately.

"This is not going to be a Congress where procedural matters are determined by brute force," he said. But, he said he believed the evidence would show that the vote was marred and there was a good possibility Jennings would ultimately be seated.

The electronic touch-screen machines used in Sarasota County are at the center of the challenge.

Some 18,000 Sarasota County electronic ballots did not register a vote in the race, a much higher undervote rate _ nearly 15 percent _ than in others such as those for governor or U.S. Senate. Jennings contends the machines lost the votes. Buchanan backers and the company say that if there was an unusually large undervote it was likely because of bad ballot design.

The state found no evidence of malfunctions in the machines, which were made by Election Systems & Software.

I knew it.

2006-12-30T08:05:00.000-08:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry mid-term.  The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor  shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,  why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

  Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or  some
variant.

  One student, however, wrote the following:


  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So
we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and  the rate
at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely  assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,  no souls are leaving.
As
for how many souls are entering Hell,  let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.


  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of  their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one  of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one  religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and  death rates as
they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell  to increase
exponentially.


  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure  in
Hell
to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand  proportionately as
souls are added.


  This gives two possibilities:


  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will  increase
until
all Hell breaks loose.


  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of  souls
in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until  Hell freezes
over.  So which is it?


  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my  Freshman

year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep  with you,"
and
take into account the fact that I slept with her  last night, then
number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that  Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over.


  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,  it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is  therefore,
extinct..... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the  existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa  kept shouting "Oh
my
God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

saddam dead

2006-12-29T19:58:00.001-08:00

So long, Saddam Hussein
I cant believe your song is gone so soon.
I barely learned the tune
So soon
So soon.

Ill remember Saddam Hussein .
All of the nights wed harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

Chorus
Dictators may come and
Dictators may go and
Never change your point of view.
When I run dry
I stop awhile and think of you

So long, Saddam Hussein
All of the nights wed harmonize till dawn.
I never laughed so long
So long
So long.

namaste;

BACON WRAPPED Kirstie Alley

2006-12-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

BACON WRAPPED Kirstie Alley


 1 200 lb. large Kirstie Alley, deveined
 100 lb. bacon
 Toothpicks
 Grease

 Devein and wash Kirstie Alley. Cut bacon slices into three hundred
 strips. Wrap bacon around Kirstie Alley. Break toothpicks in half.
 Stick through bacon and Kirstie Alley so that bacon will not come off.
 No seasoning is necessary. Heat grease and deep fry Kirstie Alley. Cook
 until bacon is crisp. Remove and drain. There, you have a nice party
 snack or late night snack.

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfield convicted of War Crimes, sentenced to hang next week

2006-12-27T08:39:00.000-08:00


http://psychedelictourist.blogspot.com/2006/11/bush-cheney-rumsfield-...

Last night I sat in front of the T.V. set and watched in amazement as
the verdict of guilty was delivered at the War Crimes Tribune against
GW Bush and two of his top associates. After a three month trial in
which George Bush was charged with an 18 -count indictement over his
handling of the war in Iraq, the Special Tribunal in the Hague
sentenced George W. Bush and two of his co-defendants, Donald Rumsfield
and Dick Cheney, to death.

As his sentence was read, George Bush, clutching his Bible, went into a
rant, "God spoke to me on 911!" he told the judge repeatedly as he was
read the sentence: death for murder, 10 years for forcible deportation,
10 years for torture.

The 18-count indictement includes providing false and deceptive
rationales for war, authorizing, ordering and condoning direct attacks
on civilians, as well as assassinations, summary executions,
kidnappings, secret and other illegal detentions of individuals,
torture and physical and psychological coercion of prisoners to obtain
false statements.

Here is the full list of charges against GW Bush:

1) Seizing power to wage wars of aggression in defiance of the U.S.
Constitution, the U.N. Charter and the rule of law; carrying out a
massive assault on and occupation of Iraq, a country that was not
threatening the United States, resulting in the death and maiming of
tens of thousands of Iraqis, and hundreds of U.S. G.I.s.

2) Lying to the people of the U.S., to Congress, and to the U.N.,
providing false and deceptive rationales for war.

3) Authorizing, ordering and condoning direct attacks on civilians,
civilian facilities and locations where civilian casualties were
unavoidable.

4) Threatening the independence and sovereignty of Iraq by
belligerently changing its government by force and assaulting Iraq in a
war of aggression.

5) Authorizing, ordering and condoning assassinations, summary
executions, kidnappings, secret and other illegal detentions of
individuals, torture and physical and psychological coercion of
prisoners to obtain false statements concerning acts and intentions of
governments and individuals and violating within the United States, and
by authorizing U.S. forces and agents elsewhere, the rights of
individuals under the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and Eighth Amendments
to the Constitution of the United States, the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights, and the International Covenant on Civil and Political
Rights.

6) Making, ordering and condoning false statements and propaganda about
the conduct of foreign governments and individuals and acts by U.S.
government personnel; manipulating the media and foreign governments
with false information; concealing information vital to public
discussion and informed judgment concerning acts, intentions and
possession, or efforts to obtain weapons of mass destruction in order
to falsely create a climate of fear and destroy opposition to U.S. wars
of aggression and first strike attacks.

7) Violations and subversions of the Charter of the United Nations and
international law, both a part of the "Supreme Law of the land" under
Article VI, paragraph 2, of the Constitution, in an attempt to commit
with impunity crimes against peace and humanity and war crimes in wars
and threats of aggression against Afghanistan, Iraq and others and
usurping powers of the United Nations and the peoples of its nations by
bribery, coercion and other corrupt acts and by rejecting treaties,
committing treaty violations, and frustrating compliance with treaties
in order to destroy any means by which international law and
institutions can prevent, affect, or adjudicate the exercise of U.S.
military and economic power against the international community.

8) Acting to strip United States citizens of their constitutional and
human rights, ordering indefinite detention of citizens, without access
to counsel, without charge, and without opportunity to appear before a
civil judicial officer to challenge the detention, based solely on the
discretionary designation by the Executive of a citizen as an "enemy
combatant."

9) Ordering indefinite detention of non-citizens in the United States
and elsewhere, and without charge, at the discretionary designation of
the Attorney General or the Secretary of Defense.

10) Ordering and authorizing the Attorney General to override judicial
orders of release of detainees under INS jurisdiction, even where the
judicial officer after full hearing determines a detainee is wrongfully
held by the government.

11) Authorizing secret military tribunals and summary execution of
persons who are not citizens who are designated solely at the
discretion of the Executive who acts as indicting official, prosecutor
and as the only avenue of appellate relief.

12) Refusing to provide public disclosure of the identities and
locations of persons who have been arrested, detained and imprisoned by
the U.S. government in the United States, including in response to
Congressional inquiry.

13) Use of secret arrests of persons within the United States and
elsewhere and denial of the right to public trials.

14) Authorizing the monitoring of confidential attorney-client
privileged communications by the government, even in the absence of a
court order and even where an incarcerated person has not been charged
with a crime.

15) Ordering and authorizing the seizure of assets of persons in the
United States, prior to hearing or trial, for lawful or innocent
association with any entity that at the discretionary designation of
the Executive has been deemed "terrorist."

16) Institutionalization of racial and religious profiling and
authorization of domestic spying by federal law enforcement on persons
based on their engagement in noncriminal religious and political
activity.

17) Refusal to provide information and records necessary and
appropriate for the constitutional right of legislative oversight of
executive functions.

18) Rejecting treaties protective of peace and human rights and
abrogation of the obligations of the United States under, and
withdrawal from, international treaties and obligations without consent
of the legislative branch, and including termination of the ABM treaty
between the United States and Russia, and rescission of the authorizing
signature from the Treaty of Rome which served as the basis for the
International Criminal Court.

500 at 'war crimes tribunal' find Bush guilty
http://www.peoplejudgebush.org/tribunal.shtml

PDF of charges and more info:
http://www.bushcommission.org/

Mr. Brown

2006-12-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

James Brown
Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto
Funky Christmas

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Pitch up your reindeer. Uh!
Go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.

And every stockings you buy,
The kids are gonna love you. So, Uh!

Leave a toy for Johnny.
Leave a dog for Mary.
Leave something pretty for Donnie.
And don't forget about Gary.

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Tell him James Brown sent you. Ha!
Go straight to the ghetto.

You know that I know that you will see
Cause' that was once. Me.

Hit it! Hit it!
You see mothers and soul brothers.

Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, oh lord, go straight to the ghetto.
And every stockings you buy,
The kids are gonna love you.

So, pick up a stocking you find.
You'll know they need you.
So, I'm begging you Santa Claus,
Go straight to the ghetto.

If anyone wanna know,
Tell him James Brown told you.

So, Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Never thought I realized, I'll be singing a song
With one of you. My!
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.

Don't leave nothing for me.
I have you. Can't you see?
Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto.
Santa Claus, the soul brothers need you.

So, Santa Claus, tell him James Brown sent you...
(fade)

M$ Turkey

2006-12-24T13:52:00.001-08:00

I went over to WalMart and they had these things stacked up against the
wall.  There were so many of them, and so many people were buying them.
Must be like 95% of the whole human race out buying these turkeys.

I got mine home and took the cover off to start to thaw it.  I noticed that
this turkey I bought was first frozen in 2001, but that it had a seven year
shelf life, so I was well within that timeframe.  I would have liked to have
a new turkey this Xmas, but I guess M$ must have bought the farm back then
and still had a lot of them in the warehouse.  Whatever, turkey is turkey,
and if it's the same as it's been for several years, wtf.

I got a phone call while it was thawing.  I came back to the turkey about 15
minutes later and found out that someone had snuck in my kitchen door,
removed a drumstick, and stuffed the cavity with Spam.  So I took it back to
WalMart and luckily the manager agreed to replace it with a new one, and he
also sold me a roasting/thawing pan with a deadbolt lock on it and advised
me not to leave it out in the open.  Fair enough, this is not the best of
neighborhoods sometimes.

I got the thing all thawed out, and with the kitchen door secured, I opened
up the roaster thing and added the stuffing.  I almost forgot to pull out
the little bag of giblets!  Many times I had baked turkey in the past and
the little plastic bag was still inside, but this year I remembered.  I
noticed there was a coupon in the bag this time.

It entitled me to a $5 discount on M$ next crop of turkeys, which it said
couldn't be made available in time for Xmas this year.  Wow, I can put that
over with my important papers and have something new next year.  While this
one has been in the freezer for five years now, it's still quite pink and
not at all freezer burnt.  But that'll be a novelty to get a fresher one,
something to look forward to.

This turkey had one of those pop up thermometer timer things.  I jiggered it
a little to see if it was working, and a little computer chip inside in a
squeeky voice told me to cook it at 350 F for twenty minutes a pound, and to
poke it when it was browned, and if the juices were clear, it was ready to
go.  It then told me I should check if it was 165F with a meat thermometer.
I went down the street to the hardware store, which was still open, and told
the manager I needed a meat thermometer for a M$ turkey.  He said, just go
pick out any one on the shelf, even the old ones in the back, they're
completely compatible.  So $3 later I had my thermometer.

I used this generic brand of stuffing and cooked it up and it came out
great.  Everybody was satisfied and it was turkey as usual, same as last
year, same as the year before that.  Nothing strange except, you know, for
some reason, the closer this bird came to getting cooked, the slower it got
at browning.  I had to leave it in an extra hour until the juicy pinkness
cleared up.  Seems like it took longer than last year.

Everybody was so hungry that eventually one of them dug in to get the last
piece of stuffing, and would you believe, found a small amount of Spam
inside.  Must have been stuck in there by someone from the factory.  We just
threw it out, no problem.

Then later I started cutting up the carcass for midnight sandwiches,
cleaning the bones.  All of a sudden, the knife clunked up against something
right behind the neck.  Now, I did remember to remove the giblets this year,
what could this be?

Oh, gosh, it was an AOL disk.  Lucky, none of the guests knew I had forgot
to remove it, and it didn't spoil the flavor or anything.  Hey, I might
clean it off and try AOL out again this year to see if they've gotten any
better these days.

The day after, a couple of us ended up with a mild case of the runs.  I
guess somebody brought in a virus.  Well, with the cold weather and closed
quarters, and all these people milling around during the holidays, that's
not totally surprising.  Took a little Paregoric and I was fit as a fiddle.
I felt kinda bad about the virus, but I called the guests the next day and
they said, oh, it could have happened to any one of us, it wasn't a big
deal, and if that's all that happened was some loose bowels, it certainly
can't spoil everybody getting together and communicating and having fun at
the holidays.

Can't wait to try out that new crop of turkeys next Xmas!

i-turkey

2006-12-24T13:49:00.001-08:00

There's an Apple store near me.  This I knew long ago, but I saw an add in
the paper that they were open on Xmas day, and were serving a complete
turkey dinner with all the trimmings, prepared with the new iCook device
they were planning on launching in 2007.  How could I resist.

I went into the store and they had moved all the computers to the side and
put in a completely white banquet table with about 50 white chairs
surrounding it.  I took my place and paid the $249 dinner fee, which I
thought was excessive, but they promised to take ALL the hassle out of
dining for me, so I figured, what the hey.

On the plate in front of my there was the iCook device.  It had three things
that looked like electrocardiogram electrodes, shiny chrome bullets on the
end of a very thin white wire connected to the cigarette sized iCook itself.
One wire was about five feet in length.

The "chef" came in, and told us all to insert the outer two electrodes on
our tongues, and to swallow the one with the longest cord.  I thought that
might make me gag, but it's coated with an anesthetic so you can get it down
really easy.  I swallowed mine with absolutely no problem.

Then this freakish bird like thing was taken out of its cage and fastened to
the table with bungee cords.  The bird was an albino.  The "Chef" then
attached some probes to the bird, connecting it with a small mini box which,
we were told, was the server for our iCooks.

The bird then extended a proboscis with several attachments on it like a
dentist's drill.  The first one was a feather remover.  It buzzed all over
the bird and cleaned off all the feathers, which were sucked up into a
ceiling vacuum.  Another attachment neatly severed the bird's neck.  No
blood came out!

One more attachment gutted the iTurkey, and the all white entrails were
swiftly removed with another vacuum wand skillfully wielded by the "Chef".
The "Chef" then proceeded to stuff the iTurkey with white stuffing.

A thirty-six laser light then shone on the iTurkey from above.  In about
thirty seconds, the skin was crispy and the smell of turkey filled the room.
No need to wait hours for cooking!

The probes on my tongue then started emitting the most heavenly "turkey and
stuffing" taste.  Nothing was in my mouth, yet it seemed as if I could chew
and swallow every virtual morsel.  As I and the other diners slurped at the
electrodes, the iTurkey in the center shrank in size until it eventually
disappeared completely.

The probe down in my stomach had expanded in size dramatically.  I had to
loosen my belt.  The taste generated by the iCook device sated me
completely, and my gut felt as if it was a-busting.  I then became very
drowsy because the tongue probes had begun to simulate alpha waves inside my
skull.  I felt just as if I had eaten the biggest holiday dinner, and the
best, in my whole life!

I must have dozed off about two hours.  The other diners and I seemed to
arouse at about the same time, all as directed by our iCooks.  Indeed, for
the money, this was probably the best dining experience I had ever had.

Noting that we all had arisen from our postprandial naps, the Chef told us,
that was the end of the meal.

Unless some of us wanted to stay to experience the other new product being
launched, the iToilet.

OSS Turkey

2006-12-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

I went to the butcher shop yesterday to buy a turkey.  I could have paid
$0.89 a pound for one, but instead the butcher told me about a new movement
in the meat industry, the open source meat initiative.  Under this new plan,
you could just get a free turkey, or rather, a type of species very close to
a real turkey, equal in nutrition and almost exactly the same in every other
regard.  Rather than raising them on the farm, small hobbyists all over the
world raise their own turkey-like birds and exchange them for free with each
other, hoping that one day all the inbreeding will produce a species much
tastier than the usual mechafarm produced crap.

So I opted for the free turkey!  The butcher gave me this carcass with all
the dark meat but no white meat.

I asked, "What good is this?".  The butcher said, well, most of the FLAVOR
of the turkey is in the DARK MEAT.  Due to a legal issue with the
HunnySuckel corporation, he couldn't just give me a whole turkey.  However,
he said his brother was in the parking lot out back, and had the white meat
in his trunk for all the free turkeys.  He explained to me that it was up to
me, if I wanted white meat, I could go out to the back and get it.  He said
a lot of the free turkey people simply content themselves with the dark
meat.  "The Free Turkey people are believers in CHOICE", he intoned.

But I would not be so content.

So I went out back, and sure enough, there was his brother, and he pulled
from the trunk a nice set of breasts and wings, and even gave me a little
handy sewing thing so I could sew them back on myself.

I got it home, sewed it back together, and put it into the roaster pan.
Unfortunately, the free turkey was too oddly shaped to fit in the pan.  So I
ended up having to buy a FOIL pan and kind of mashing it into the right
shape for my free turkey.

It suddenly occurred to me, I didn't remember exactly how to cook a turkey.
So I searched the internet all over and found a nice recipe to cook my free
turkey.  The recipe went something like this:

1.  Slice and serve the meat but not until you have read the full cooking
instructions (unless you have done this before and know exactly what you are
doing, and realize that some people have no business trying to cook a turkey
unless they know avian anatomy and physiology and food science cold like us,
in which case they should stick to eating at McDonald's).

2.  Before you do that, you must thaw the turkey, unless the turkey is
already thawed, but do not skip step 3 below, EXCEPT when the turkey is
already cooked.  However, if you want it warm, prior to eating, do not do
step 1 first!  Instead, heat the turkey and then do step 1.  THIS IS NOT
ROCKET SCIENCE!  Do we make ourselves CLEAR?

3.  Bake the free turkey for 250 * 10⁶ microseconds per kilogram at a
temperature of 449.816667 kelvin.  IMPORTANT:  if you pierce the breast with
a sharp knife, and the juices are still running pink, the turkey may not be
fully cooked and you risk intestinal disease if you eat it at this stage.
To prevent this {TODO list - insert additional cooking instructions in next
build along with documentation referring to desired final temperature of
cooked meat}.

So I got out my slide rule and computed the cooking time, popped the bird in
the oven and turned it on.  I crossed my fingers and presumed the juices
wouldn't run pink and all that.  Then I noticed the very strangest thing.

With this open source turkey in the oven, I went to set the oven timer.
It's a digital timer on a Westinghouse oven.  Every time I set it, it
displayed 88:88.  I could set the timer OK with the free turkey OUT of the
oven, but every time I put it in, the display read 88:88.  After a while, I
simply decided to use my pocket watch to do the timing.

While the free open source turkey was cooking, I did some more GOOGLING and
found out that if I had used a KENMORE oven instead, the timer would set
properly.  Since the turkey was free, I decided it wasn't such a big problem
to do without the little timer, especially since I had this nice little
pocket watch around.

After about two hours, the smell of turkey began to fill the room and it was
heavenly!  I could see through the oven window, the skin was browning and
crisping nicely.  I could hardly wait until the cooking period was over.

That's when, all of a sudden the light in the oven blew out.  I could not
see inside at all!  Panicking, I reached for my oven mitts and opened up the
oven door to peer inside.

I discovered that somehow the free turkey in my oven had completely locked
up the oven door latch!  I could not get inside the oven.  The timer still
read 88:88 and I had no idea what was going on inside.  Normally, I'd just
flip the little safety lever and the door would open, but with the free
turkey inside, it was frozen shut.

To get it out, I finally had to break through the glass in the oven door.
This is not a simple thing because it's tempered glass.  Shards of glass got
into the turkey, and I then knew I couldn't eat the thing.  It was corrupted
totally in the process of finalizing the cooking.  The smell of the house
was very enticing, I must admit, and the parts of the free turkey that
weren't full of broken glass were very nicely browned.

I ended up going to Denny's for a turkey dinner.  They're open 24 hours,
even on Xistlessmass.  That dinner cost me $14 including the tip.  It wasn't
the best turkey around, but the stuffing was pretty tasty and it filled me
up.  Even though I kind of resented throwing more of my money at a big
corporate food place like that.

The day after Xistlessmas I'm going to go out and buy a new oven door, and
see if that butcher has any free, open source FILET MIGNON around, just to
give that a try.  Maybe if I try a different SPECIES this time, I can find a
free food alternative that is ready for my kitchen!

oh well

2006-12-22T07:59:00.000-08:00

Whats wrong with em?