Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: The SubGenius Foundation, Inc. 1-216-320-9528
Fax: (216) 320-9528
stang@subgenius.com

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Sainthood by SubGenius UFO Cult

February 14, 2007: The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous
Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.

The Church acknowledged Miss Smith's fey, outrageous lifestyle and
agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood.  Church founder J.R.
"Bob" Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live
their lives, and Miss Smith's life has met the following criteria:

  1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the
expectations of others.
  2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or
intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.
  3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the
hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers.  This meets the
definition of a SubGenius commandment: "Don't just eat that hamburger,
eat the HELL out of it!"
  4. She was martyred by the "Pinks" (a SubGenius term referring to
"normal people"), after being crucified in the press.
  5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a
"Son of Man". Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father
of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female)
mortals are claiming to be the father of her child.  The Church uses
this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith's child shall be
a prophet of the SubGenius.
  6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality,
which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).

In the official Calendar of SubGenius Saints, the date of May 1st will
be set aside for honoring Miss Smith.  She will share this day with
Saint Catherine I (The Great) of Russia, who also had Sainthood
bestowed on her posthumously by the Church.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a
"parody" of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, and
the Unification Church. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure
named J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been
seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from
performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime. A number
of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads
singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, late science fiction author Robert
Anton Wilson, comic book artist R. Crumb, and Pee-Wee Herman.

In 2001, the Church offered a formal invitation to Miss Smith, for her
to attend its annual End of the World celebration (X-Day) as a
vacation from the stress of her daily life.

Anna Nicole Smith is not the first celebrity to be awarded posthumous
Sainthood in the Church.  In 1986, an official SubGenius minister
ordainment was bestowed upon Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, a
scant two weeks before his death.  In his published autobiography,
rock and roll singer Frank Zappa acknowledged his agreement with the
Church's ideals, though refused to join the organization; a posthumous
Sainthood was awarded to him by the Church shortly after his passing.

The official home page of the Church of the SubGenius can be found at:

   http://www.subgenius.com

--
                       The High Weirdness Project
                         http://www.modemac.com

Anna Nicole Smith

Why Anna Nicole Smith is a Subgenius Saint

  1. She spent her life slacking, and did not conform to the
expectations of others
  2. she achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or
intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck
  3. As we can tell from photos of her, she ate the hell out of her
fair share of cheeseburgers
  4. She was martyed by the Pinks, after being crucified in the press
  5. Like St. Mary of the Xtians, her child is a "Son of Man". Unlike
Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, It seems
like EVERY male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be
the father of her child. I predict that this child shall be a prophet
of the Subgenius. We should endevour to make this happen.
  6. She was at times pretty and sexy, so venerating her would be a
good draw, which is the prime reason for venerating anybody.

tool

That's right!!! I am a tool. A tool of "Bob"!!! A tool, like one of
those automatic seed spreader thingys you get at oversized hardware
stores, spreading the seed of DOUBT, oozesquirting the jizz of "Bob"'s
mighty OverTesticles into the unconscious depths of hyuuman brains,
possibly awakening and watering the soil in which the seed of Bobdoubt
may grow and turn into a TUMOR the size of a LEMON. And what a lemon
that will be. You know what THEY SAY, When life gives you lemons, run
around in circles screaming like bonobos and fling poo at each other!
Yoou know what. It feels good. It feels GREAT! It keeps me from pacing
my apartment like a caged panther, and that is all I could ever ask in
return for fulfilling my need to be an obsessive compulsive stationary
whore. That and maybe someone will send over some Jehovahs witnesses
or private investigators.

God speaks to me and disproves evolution

Yesterday God spoke to me. I didn't realize it at first. I thought it
was just some senile and sick old woman wiping her ass with everything
she could reach because she had diarrhea in bed and wanted to fling
shit everywhere. Naturally, I couldn't stop her, I was busy, just far
enough away to know what was happening. When I was able to clean up
the mess, shit was everywhere... pads, the bed, sheets, blankets, her
nightgown, the floor, the wall...

Then I noticed a bible lying around. Yes, shit was on it too. But I
still didn't realize what had happened.

Then today, it hit me. God had spoken. Much like being in church, the
place had smelled bad. Too much shit was there... therefore it must
have been created out of nothing. And I'd nearly vomited, which I
would do if I had fish made out of stale, moldy bread, like God uses
when he makes fish, or wine that's made of water and looks yellowish.
Which means it was a genuine miracle. God have made shit from nothing,
and left me to clean in up, with horrible vapors in the air, which is
generally how God treats people.

And now I've grasped the significance. I've always wondered how people
evolved from monkees when most of them are dumber than monkees. The
truth is, we haven't, at least not anymore. The cinderella effect is
wearing off... it's long past midnight, and we're turning back into
monkees... and have been monkees the whole time. We never evolved. Our
shit did. We learned to spew it from our other end, because we didn't
have enough to throw at each other, and our words were easier to make
than more shit, and we generally weren't so fond of the stench, which
hits us when we're throwing our shit just as much as it hits the
person hit with our shit. But now, we don't need words. God has
returned, and he can make shit out of nothing. Personally, I'm going
to stick with words, as I'm not fond of the smell, but then again,
I've always been that way about religion.

meow

Three little kittens they lost their mittens, and they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear, we sadly fear that we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!
Then you shall have no pie."
"Meeow, meeow, meeow, now we shall have no pie."
The three little kittens they found their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear, see here, see here
For we have found our mittens."
"Put on your mittens, you silly kittens
And you shall have some pie"
"Meeow, meeow, meeow,
Now let us have some pie."
The three little kittens put on their mittens
And soon ate up the pie,
"Oh mother dear, we greatly fear
That we have soiled our mittens."
"What! soiled you mittens, you naughty kittens!"
Then they began to cry, "Meeow, meeow, meeow"
Then they began to sigh.
The three little kittens they washed their mittens
And hung them out to dry,
"Oh mother dear, do you not hear
That we have washed our mittens."
"What! washed your mittens, you are good kittens."
But I smell a rat close by,
"Meeow, meeow, meeow" we smell a rat close by...

jasolator

 - Jesus loves you, and is going to see that you burn in hell forever

- Nehemiah begat Azriel.  Azriel begat Abuchadnezzer.  Abuchadnezzer
begat Schomelek.  Schomelek begat Robert Smith.  Robert Smith begat
The Cure.  The Cure begat Goth.  Goth begat Marylin Manson.  Marylin
Manson begat bad videos on MTV.  MTV begat a killing in royalties.
Royalties begat Judith.  Judith begat Hymie.  Hymie made quite a
killing on a string of 7-11s in Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh begat a
booming steel industry.  Steel begat an auto industry.  The auto
industry begat growth economics.  Growth economics begat Ronald
Reagan.  Ronald Reagan begat a monkey.  A monkey begat your mommy.
Your mommy begat your daddy, who then begat you on your mommy, which
begat a paradox.  You begat a banana.  A banana begat Noah.  Noah
begat an ark then Noah's daughters begat on Noah.  Noah thought that
was a nice arrangement.  God begat Noah.  God begat Jesus but we
aren't supposed to ask how.  Jesus begat a religion but we aren't
supposed to ask why.  Jesus was a virgin but we aren't supposed to
think about that much.  It is not right to think about the Penis of
the Saviour of the World.  Jesus came to save us all by inventing the
idea of eternal hellfire because otherwise he wouldn't have anything
to save us from.  Eternal hellfire begat a lot of very holy baptist
ministers who aren't virgins but they feel just awful about it and
think you should be one.  The southern baptists begat a return to good
ol' religion which begat Ronald Reagan again.  Just like Arkansas
cousins.  They aren't virgins either but they feel just awful about it
for ten minutes every sunday.  Which in turn begat country music.
Country music begat the back-assward voter bloc.  The back-asswards
voter bloc begat Ronald Reagan again.  Ronald Reagan begat a gay son
but he feels just awful about it.  Then Pharaoh told unto Ronald
Reagan "get ye hence", and Ronald Reagan walked on water and bailed
out the day traders.  Then Anwar Sadat got blowed up.  Then the Berlin
wall got blowed up.  Then Clinton got elected.

And that's where the bible ends.

But then Dubya got elected and tried to make Apocalypses (tm) happen
in Iraq but Jesus didn't come back.

And Dubya is still scratching his head.

And that's where the bible ends again.

It's all Rumsfeld's fault.


--
Zapanaz
International Satanic Conspiracy
Customer Support Specialist
http://joecosby.com/
"Hell is just like here, except the dogs can whistle."
--George Carlin

More from the greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and
wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with
more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't!

The oldest one, he's 9 and
the younger one, she's 7.
Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they
look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice